03-23-02
Seems to me a crying shame that when one person in a marriage becomes disabled that they BOTH have to stop living in order to co-exist. This is my weekend off. I had pulled my back again on Monday (it's fine now)and didn't want to chance that trip to WV this weekend. So, I've wasted this whole day in front of TV, on the PC, and we DID go out for a pizza this evening. I would have liked to have spent it doing laundry and cleaning this place up a bit. But for me, there is only one way to do that. Open the curtains (and some windows if weather permits), turn on some music (LOUD!), and go to it. NOT working around someone resting, sleeping, or laying in front of a TV.
Yes, I am once again aggravated to the core with this man. My patience has finally about reached it's end. He learned last night that his Mom is very sick again and in ICU. He told his Dad that he would be there sometime today. He's right that there's not a lot he can do to help, since she's in the hospital. God knows that I can't make him care about other people. But the less he cares for others, the less I care for him. I can't help feeling this way, living with a man who seems incapable of human compassion. Yet, he was right there when we lost Mom. He seemed so concerned at the time and his tears seemed straight from the heart. I KNOW that not all mothers are like mine was. I'm sure she was a rare diamond, and that was a huge loss to all who knew her. I also know that my family has a bond unlike most. But I'm really having a hard time understanding how, as an adult who spent a couple of days with his parents just last weekend and came home telling me how much he enjoyed it, he can seem so uncaring now. If I thought either of my parents needed me in any way, and I was not working, I'd be rushing to pack my bags. But this is just one of many differences he and I have. He is under compassionate and I am over compassionate. Pretty much explains the hunger for passion that I've been experiancing lately, I guess. But it's not a new problem.
Like Christmas. I always loved it; he always hated it. I tried to make it pleasurable; he tried to prevent it. I finally gave in on that, too. He gave in year before last to my wishes, because I was a pathetic creature half dead with pneumonia. This past year, I had lost Mom and just went through the motions for one last time. No more Christmas's for me as long as I live here. That will surely be this year, as I see no light at the end of this tunnel. But by next year, I may be having a white Christmas again. I've missed it for years really, since it became a season for disagreement. I don't even know why I'm thinking about that now. I may never even see another Christmas. None of us know what tommorrow holds. But I guess that's what diaries are for - writing things on your mind at the time.
Guess my weekend off is why I am here literally "writing a book". SICK of the boob tube. Can't get motivated to do anything productive, even though I feel well rested and energetic. I guess my man and I have come to a crossroad, since I don't need no rocking chair. Sure, I get tired quicker than when I was 20 or 30. Sure, I need peace and quiet sometime. But too much of anything is no good. And as I get older, the lower my tolerance level for laziness gets (score again!). I guess another bad thing about me is that someone lazing around (although I COULD enjoy it occasionally) makes me CRAZY, be it at home or at work. And it's really none of my business what anyone else does, except that I am WAY too oppinionated! NOT a charming trait.
On the work front, the more things change the more they stay the same. We have a management meeting tommorrow evening. It's my weekend off, and I look forward to a meeting at work. Oh' well. It will get me out awhile and I WILL have my stereo blasting in my car. Sometimes a little noise is good for the mind - gives it a break from the sounds of silence. But then, at other times, silence is golden. My job is going okay now. The new manager has made a few changes that have made a better work environment, although it has some way to go to be the best it can be. I sure don't plan to leave it anytime soon. The economy is awful right now and besides, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, as long as I live in this area. It's pretty close to my house, climate controlled environment, and I am working with the public. EVERYBODY that does that gets frustrated at times, but I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. OKAY! Sort of learned.
Someone special once told me that "Happiness is not a state of mind. It's simply a choice. That's why you see happy poor people as often as happy wealthy people. And, honey, there are PLENTY of unhappy wealthy people. YOU choose whether to be happy or not. Money is irrelavent". I guess he's right, but if you spend most of your time with someone who refuses any happiness, it's hard to keep a smile.
Guess it's time to get out of this diary and on to something else. Surfing, maybe? LOL! I really am TRYING to quit taking everything so seriously. Plan to lighten up instead of giving up. If I don't, the next big bird that swoops down from the sky may just have a passanger! I WILL fly away before I will spend the rest of my life without any happiness. But I doubt that big bird would be carrying MY glass slipper. Probably, as luck would have it, it would only be a pigeon, and we all know what they're good for! LOL!
SEEYA!
03-26-02
This is MY day, all to myself. No work. Hubby is gone to visit his Mom, and I just stopped in for a moment. Gotta get off here now and get on more chores. Had plans that fell through, and that's a good thing. I sure don't need to create new problems for myself, and the very LAST thing I ever want to be is someone else's mistake. Well, enough deep thought. Time to turn my thinker off for the evening and get rid of some stored energy. I feel it's in vane, but I will enjoy the process of music, cleaning, maybe moving a little "too" fast with the music, and a small sense of accomplishment. Maybe that's all I need.
Yeah. Right.
03-27-02
It is 11:45PM and I've been up since 5:30AM, so I guess I should be sleeping. But I think writing is better than tossing and turning. My husband called tonight. His Mom had to have emergency surgery on her stomach today. They hooked her to a respirator, just in case. I'm glad he went and is with her. I am NOT glad that he put it off so long. But, we are all different. I have had a lot of problems trying to accept how different he and I have become over the years. I guess that is common in most marriages. People change, and all in different ways. But I have been in their family since I was only 14 and have grown to love her very much over the years. I sure hope she gets okay. I may be too hard on him in this respect, as we have all had different upbringings and various types of childhood. I guess oppisates really do attract. My Mom and Dad always gave me all the love and affection anyone could hope for. Still, when I visit Dad, the first thing we do is hug. Now, Mom is gone and I don't see Dad often. As an adult, I have somewhat learned to live without all the hugs I grew up with. Guess my family blew my hubby's mind when we met! The 1st time he came to see me, Dad grilled him a while, then sat right down between us, with one arm around each of us. "So. What do you kids want to watch on TV?". Of course, he cut us slack later on. He was just teasing me; trying to get my dander up. But he was also getting a point across, I realize now. Now, that I'm 250 miles away from the affection and security I grew up with. He called me tonight. We talk once or twice every week. He is still not doing very well. He has had bronchitis for weeks, and will have to see a specialist next week. I'm afraid that he lacks enough will to fight things off, now that Mom isn't there with him. Unfortunately, I know and love him enough to understand. She was his reason. Taking care of his wife and children, seeing to their needs, has always been his life. Now, we have all gone. Not totally gone, but we are not there to kiss goodnight. We aren't there to feed and clothe. Maybe there's something to be said for being selfish. But I think to live primarily for one's own gratification would ultimately be a lonely life. I believe having the ability to love others and care for their well being is what makes life worth living. Well, enough philosophy.
Work was rough today. Seemed nobody wanted to do anything...and everyone wanted to argue the point. If you are doing nothing and you are on the job, you have no point to argue. I spent most of the day angry. But I wasn't the manager in charge, so I mostly just stewed...mostly. I did blow a couple times when it got totally ludicrous. I can't see why people can't work together in harmony toward a common goal. Seems everyone is afraid that someone is going to accomplish less than them! Bad carma. I swear I have seen grown men put twice as much effort and excuse into getting out of doing a job than it would take to get it done twice. Seems to me it would make a work day drag. It made mine long today just tolerating it. But that's that laziness hang up that drove me nuts today. I was surrounded with it on every side. Run one off the phone, and another's in the parking lot playing with friends. Two have wives hanging out waiting for their lunch breaks. Breaks from what? Resting up for lunch? It was just a rediculous day that I had hoped would go down the drain with my shower. The day DID have a couple of good points. Guess that's the one's I'll take to bed with me, and leave the bad here. WOW! It's 12:30. Better hit the hay. Tommorrow is another day; one I'm NOT looking forward to. This is a first. I am really looking forward to working the weekend. Gotta get better. Right?
Nighty-night.
03-28-02
This page filled quickly. Time to move on? Well, for now we will just go to the next page.
